w a n d e r l u s t

I think I’ve settled in too well. I’m too used to being lukewarm, and too used to being safe, and I ache to be aflame, even though it’s sure to be painful, but grace is a healing power.

My soul is pulling me away, tugging me away from this place, and while I’m willing, at times my body stiffens at the thought of poverty and squalor, and I’m scared that I won’t cope well, cause I’m a girl with big dreams and a soft heart and a willing spirit but a sinful nature inclined to holding back and being fearful of change and uncomfortableness.

I need to go. To wrench my heart away from the comfort of every day life, and to leave the people I care about most. To tramp into an unknown place and feel out of place  and way out of my comfort zone because really that’s how you grow and live, by overcoming those certainly-coming lapses of faith and leaps of fear, lifting your spirit by bringing to mind what you’re living for and especially who you’re living for because His grace is sufficient.

Maybe I’ll learn to never settle for less and to dream bigger and to pray constantly and to never forget that it’s His will not mine and that the reason I’m alive is to bring glory to His name not mine and maybe to be a light for others is all I’ve ever been meant for, if it’s by speaking or hugging or traveling to the other side of the world and living apart from everything familiar  and giving my life for His sake because even though it’s not much, it’s all I have to give, and it’s not even mine anymore, if it ever was, because it’s been His for a while now.

~ from my journal

a breathing mentality

One day things will change.

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One day you’ll realize

that things aren’t the way they seem.

One day you’ll discover

that life is more than breathing

more then hearts beating

more than hands reaching.

Life is so much more and

so much less than what it looks like.

It isn’t simple, isn’t straight forward,

isn’t normal.

Life, more than a breathing mentality focused on human greed,

is about love.

Love, the basic hope of human life, and yet

the one thing we struggle to find,

to know,

&

to believe.

do you know?

Do you know how I fell in love with you?

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I saw you through a window. You were not alone, but with your blond friend, and you were laughing together. You had crinkles at the corners of your eyes, and your mouth was formed into a smile. That sweet smile pierced my heart, and I was lost, with no way to find myself.

Love is so very simple, you see.

You don’t know me yet. You don’t know how I watch for you from the window, if only to see you for an instant. You don’t know that I let myself dream of speaking to you, just once. You don’t know how I hate myself for thinking about something so impossible. You don’t know how many times I look through the window, and see you smiling.

But you’re not smiling at me.

 

 

 

i wish…

I wish people could look past the outside and see people as they really are.

I wish there was a way to telepathically join minds so I wouldn’t have to talk.

I wish it was an accepted thing that you could tell people you love them without any fear of repercussions.  

I wish there was device to record your thoughts.

I wish dragons exsisted.

I wish you could choose what your dreams are about.

I wish you didn’t have to grow up to do things.

I wish going on an adventure was easy.

I wish my thoughts weren’t so confusing.

I wish money didn’t matter.

I wish I could drive.

I wish there were woods I could wander around in, pretending to be an adventurer and explorer.

I wish I was better at talking.

conquer dragons

 

Come on, child.

It’s time to pick up your sword
again;
It’s rested far too long.

It’s time to raise your head
again;
life is pressing on.

It’s time to start the fight
again;
Injustice rages, people fall.

Come on now, child;

Conquer your dragons.

Love will cover all.