I think I’ve settled in too well. I’m too used to being lukewarm, and too used to being safe, and I ache to be aflame, even though it’s sure to be painful, but grace is a healing power.
My soul is pulling me away, tugging me away from this place, and while I’m willing, at times my body stiffens at the thought of poverty and squalor, and I’m scared that I won’t cope well, cause I’m a girl with big dreams and a soft heart and a willing spirit but a sinful nature inclined to holding back and being fearful of change and uncomfortableness.
I need to go. To wrench my heart away from the comfort of every day life, and to leave the people I care about most. To tramp into an unknown place and feel out of place and way out of my comfort zone because really that’s how you grow and live, by overcoming those certainly-coming lapses of faith and leaps of fear, lifting your spirit by bringing to mind what you’re living for and especially who you’re living for because His grace is sufficient.
Maybe I’ll learn to never settle for less and to dream bigger and to pray constantly and to never forget that it’s His will not mine and that the reason I’m alive is to bring glory to His name not mine and maybe to be a light for others is all I’ve ever been meant for, if it’s by speaking or hugging or traveling to the other side of the world and living apart from everything familiar and giving my life for His sake because even though it’s not much, it’s all I have to give, and it’s not even mine anymore, if it ever was, because it’s been His for a while now.
~ from my journal
